Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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