it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
