I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
