Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Randomize
