the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
