you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
