I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
