Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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