My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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