just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Randomize
