I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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