Are we in a gay sports bar?
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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