pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize