I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
