He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize