why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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