He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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