just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
