I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
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