I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
