I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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