Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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