dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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