If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize