Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
