Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Can I color on your dick again?
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
