eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
you traded sex for a burrito?
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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