I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
