He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
