Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
