i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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