So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
