Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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