New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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