Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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