Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
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