it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
