Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
