I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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