she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
That accounts for only three of the penises
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
