I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Randomize
