Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
You did what with his pubic hair?
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