false alarm. still invincible.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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