new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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