hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
