The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
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