I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I puked a lego.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
do herpes really smell.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
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