piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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