When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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