wakey wakey hands off snakey
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize