Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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