Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
