you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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