the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
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