Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
