I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
