at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize