the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
What happened to fro yo and sex?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize
