my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
