The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
