Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
