so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
